Is there anything Hawk Tuah can't do?

If there is, I'm not sure if I want to know

Hailey Welch, a/k/a the Hawk Tuah Girl, went from cheerfully describing her blowski technique to a random black guy on the street to having a Joe Rogan-like deal to start her own podcast.

Ladies, I hope you’re paying attention.

Welch’s podcast, called Talk Tuah (natch), will premiere on September 10th, just in time for the 23rd anniversary of 9/11. If it’s published daily, she’ll have to do a Saved by the Bell-style very special episode on day two.

Like most attractive women these days, she wasn’t even born on 9/11, but that doesn’t mean she won’t have anything interesting to say. I find that some of the best analysis of US foreign policy these days comes from Gen Z youth on TikTok, many of whom have started to come around on Osama bin Laden.

Talk Tuah will appear on Betr, a podcast network started by Jake Paul, the white guy who was supposed to be fighting Mike Tyson. What happened to that fight anyway? Did Tyson pull something in training? No Diddy. Did he forget that he had a fight because he’s high on marijuana all the time now?

We know, from an article published by obscure black-interest website the Grio, that podcasts that run apps for sports-betting apps, which I’m assuming is the case with podcasts on Betr, spread misinformation and suppress civic engagement in the black community. Presumably, Kamala won’t be a guest on Talk Tuah.

Topics are said to include relationship advice, which is kind of a no-brainer. She might consider taking phone calls from people with relationship problems, like the old Loveline, and having the solution always be to give the guy a blowski. Not only would that be amusing, it would be good advice.

If it ever gets to the point where she’s run out of things to talk about, or if it’s decided that America is not ready for real talk about the events of October 7th, she can give a live demonstration. I might actually have to tune in! I doubt that Draft Kings would give a shit. I mean, if they run ads on Joe Budden.

To think, as recently as a few weeks ago, people were speculating about when Hawk Tuah’s 15 minutes would be over. Now she’s on the verge of becoming the new Oprah. If this year’s presidential election has taught us anything, it’s that a woman’s career is never truly over.

In retrospect, we should have known that Hawk Tuah had more to offer society than an especially warm mouth hug when she was invited to throw out the first pitch at a New York Mets game. At the time, it didn’t make sense why she’d be involved with anything having to do with sports.

Many complained that they’d have to explain to their children that Tuah was famous for spitting on a guy’s schlong before going down on him, for lubrication purposes. Though apparently the appearance was orchestrated by a charity that provides pets for veterans with PTSD. Are we sure that’s a good idea?

Anyway, I’m glad that Hawk Tuah will be around for at least another year or two, because she’s hot, in a slightly inbred, Tennessee sort of way, and she has a lot of interesting things to say. I’m sure her podcast will be brilliant, and even if it isn’t, I’m sure she’ll find some other way to be of use.