Is Lizzo really exercising?

Competitive sandwich eating doesn't count

I like the fact that Lizzo is taking steps towards having an acceptable body, but how are we supposed to know that she’s really exercising and not just taking photos in a gym in between trips to a bakery?

Would it be too much to ask that she films herself weighing in on a weekly basis and also keeps a detailed log of everything she eats?

I ask not because I find that kind of thing amusing, or think that it should be required of all women, but because I really do want the best for Lizzo. I’ve seen the impact that going from being disgustingly overweight to being a world-class athlete can have on a person’s life, and I want that for her as well.

I think that she’d be a better person as a result of being in good shape. If she’d been physically fit, she wouldn’t have forced her background singers to eat a banana from a sex worker’s vagine. That wouldn’t even have occurred to her, because she wouldn’t have been hungry at the time.

The other day, Lizzo posted photos of herself ostensibly working out in a gym, prompting the naive amongst us to congratulate her for finally trying to do something about her weight problem. It was generally agreed upon that she’d yet to experience much in the way of results, but that she should be applauded for at least making an attempt, and that it’s wrong to clown someone who’s at least trying.

I wasn’t as convinced.

If she’s not any smaller than she used to be, as far as I can tell, how are we supposed to know that she’s really exercising and not just pretending to exercise? For all we know, she could have gone on Fashion Nova Plus and purchased a gym outfit, or had them sew two gym outfits together, if necessary, went to a hotel gym, made sure there were no teh ghey guys in there making sweet, passionate love, and then had someone take a photograph of her next to a Soloflex.

I’ll give her credit for running the risk of seeing two gay guys having sex, which would have killed me, but that’s about it.

It doesn’t make sense that she wouldn’t just go on Ozempic, except that Ozempic makes it so that you can’t gorge yourself on fast food on the reg. It’s not that your stomach no longer has the capacity to be stuffed with cheeseburgers. You just don’t want them anymore. And what would Lizzo’s life be without fast food? Remember that time she tried to get a guy fired from Door Dash for eating her food, and come to find out he’d left it sitting outside her door? She was more upset about that than she was about the events of October 7th.

If I’m the lawyer representing Lizzo’s background singers, I’m following her so-called weight-loss journey with keen interest. She claims that she didn’t force them to eat a banana from a sex worker’s vagine, but she also claims that she’s been exercising. If in a year from now she’s yet to lose any weight, we’ll know that she’s the kind of person who doesn’t tell the truth and the judge will be left with no choice but to rule in favor of the plaintiff. If she can’t bring herself to publicly weigh in and publish a detailed log of everything she eats, verified by a third party, because it’s the right thing to do, she might want to keep that in mind.