Is Ariana Grande on drugs?

Asking out of genuine concern for her well-being

I never had a problem believing that Whitney Houston was the one who was on drugs and that she was a bad influence on Bobby Brown, not vice versa.

People were quick to assume the opposite, I think in part because she had what you might call a “crossover aesthetic” and therefore it was difficult, on a subconscious level, for people to accept that she was being pounded out by the King of R&B™.

I hated to see that she drowned in a hot tub, obviously under the influence, but I was hardly surprised.

Similarly, I wouldn’t be surprised to find out that Ariana Grande was the one who got Mac Miller hooked on drugs. That would explain why she’s out here looking like she smoked the color television, like Halle Berry in the movie Jungle Fever.

They gave the guy who sold Mac Miller the drugs hard time in the pokey, as if he told the rapper to take too many of them. Was Grande even investigated? It might be time to re-open that case. They can do it as a season of Serial. Someone get Mail Chimp on the phone.

It wasn’t clear that something was wrong with Ariana Grande, other than the fact that she looks like an eight-year-old, until fairly recently, when photos emerged of her on the set of some movie. She looked like a high school girl who barfs in a Tupperware container she keeps in a closet and eventually her teeth rot out, leading to concerns that she might have an eating disorder.

In order to confirm, someone would have to stand close enough to her to be able to tell if she smells vaguely of citrus fruit. Also, I heard that being malnourished can dry a woman out downstairs. Who is she dating these days?

It’s possible that, like the cast of the show “Diff’rent Strokes,” she’s been on drugs from a very young age and we just didn’t know it. Otherwise, we could have saved Mac Miller, if only to force him to make good on his promise of purchasing several Lord Finesse beats for his next album. (Where was J. Prince when that was going on?)

Before, she may have benefited from covering herself head to toe in bronzer as if she were circa 1983 Hulk Hogan. In some of the more intellectually advanced corners of the Internets she was accused of blackfishing, which is when white chicks pull a sort of reverse Whitney Houston, adopting many of the aesthetic characteristics of a black woman, but without the attitude.

It’s unfair to black women, because black women can’t just drop the attitude—unless they’re in the presence of Zaddy. But that’s beyond the purview of this discussion.

She’s dropped the Dolezal makeup in the past few years, and that might be contributing to the crackhead look. She must be trying to take her music in a more white direction. Justin Timberlake pulled something similar around the time he got invited back to the Super Bowl. Coincidence?

I don’t know if I should be more upset that she was ripping off black music in the first place or that she doesn’t think that black music is worth ripping off anymore. One thing I think most reasonable people can agree on is that she shouldn’t be a celebrity anyway, because she no longer has an acceptable body.

With all due respect.