Give Sydney Sweeney TWO Oscars
One for each of her cans
If it weren’t possible to have a look at Sydney Sweeney’s cans the following day on X f/k/a Twitter, and every day since, I might have considered watching an episode of “Saturday Night Live.” If that’s not a testament to the power of her rack, I don’t know what is.
Sweeney was the host this past weekend, along with musical guest Kacey Musgraves, a country singer who was trying to give the actress a run for her money. Musgraves may have been wearing a better outfit, but she’s older and her cans are less voluminous, so she’ll just have to deal with being second place.
The week before, Shane Gillis hosted, after being kicked off the show like five years ago for spreading Asian hate on his podcast. Between that and bringing on a girl guys might actually want to look at the following week, SNL must be hard up for ratings.
I’ve appreciated Gillis’ wisdom on episodes of Joe Rogan’s podcast in which he drinks roughly 25 beers over the course of a three-hour episode, as if he were a young Bol. Some young guy at my job says the key is to take Adderall with the beer, and that this is what people in college do now.
Many a user on X posted clips of Sweeney’s monologue and also the speech she gave at the end of the show. I watched each of them more times than I care to admit, but not with the volume on. Part of that is because I was “on the clock,” but part of it is that I prefer not to hear women speak if I don’t have to—with all due respect, ladies.
The jokes, such as they were, seemed to have to do with the fact that she had her cans out, and how nice they were. Sometimes she’d make them jiggle or bounce up and down. I found this captivating, and I’d watch similar such videos as often as they were provided (in addition to the numerous other videos in a similar vein that I watch on the reg).
And I’m sure I’m not the only one. Sweeney’s been trending all week long, at a time when it’s becoming increasingly clear that Trump could be our next president, Usher is kicking it in Bali with hot yoga instructor chicks and a random child and Diddy is being sued for trying to slip a finger in another guy’s culo. A movie she was in—some no-name-brand rom-com—is still playing in theaters months after the fact and might outgross the latest Marvel and Spider-Man movies.
If I’m a Hollywood casting agent, I’m consulting binders filled with women and sorting the pages by cup size. If necessary, I’m contacting Mitt Romney. I know they underwent a reckoning during the first Trump administration having to do with certain casting practices, so I’d refrain from insisting on motorboating any potential starlets, even though that might honestly be the best way to gauge their talent(s).
Could Sweeney be surpassed by someone even more shameless and jiggly, perhaps with a better face? It’s not outside the realm of possibility. I’ve seen some girls on X arguing that she’s “mid” and that her cans aren’t even that big. That might be true, but I’d be curious to know whom they’d offer as an alternative.
Oftentimes, girls with large cans have gross lower bodies. That might be fine in an X profile pic, but it’s not gonna work in a Hollywood film. I’m less concerned with how her face looks, because why would I be looking at her face?